speaking & writing

 I've been thinking about this for months maybe even years, it's been marinating in my head for so long I don't even know how to explain it.

I don't speak the way I write. Not to sound cocky but I think I write decently, and I like using various words and extend my vocabulary as much as possible, I hate sounding repetitive so I always look for synonyms and...yeah, I just love writing and using big words.

I genuinely cannot talk to save my life. Sometimes I'm hit with some kind of imposter syndrome where I wonder like actually, am I the one writing like this or am I somehow cheating? And I know I'm not, I'm LITERALLY THERE, and I hate AI bc I'm not a fucking loser. But why can't I speak the way I write? The words are there in m head so why don't they pop up when I need them?😭

Like I've said a few times, I've been in Malta for an internship in tourism, and people come here for school, to learn English, whatever. Most of them have a basic level of English, so when speaking to them I constantly have to repeat myself and dumb it down to easier versions, as if I were speaking to a child. This in and of itself is not an issue, it's brave to go abroad to learn a new language and they aren't bad at it either, it's admirable of them, but I genuinely felt like my English got worse?

I was already pretty awkward speaking out loud, but now I just feel stupid LOLL

I have the words in my head SOMEWHERE IN THERE but when I talk they don't come out.

Anyways, it's all fun and games, I personally came around to finding it funny now, I think writing like how a victorian child once spoke and talking with the vocabulary I had when I was 10 is a funny contrast.

Hope I'm not alone in this bc I'll sound insane