this book is my child

THESE DAYS I'VE GOT EX!PEC!TA!TIONS!

"what's your book about?"

 

therapy

 i've been seeing someone (aka for therapy) since november of last year (2025) because of you know what😥, and it's truly helped me figure things out about myself. i had seen someone before but it was not as helpful, probably because i had family issues rather than personal issues at that time--and i'd started going there to avoid some classes legally LOL. the nurse i'm seeing now made me realize so much and going to malta for 3 months, feeling so alone and sometimes so lonely made me spend time with myself for what felt like the first time ever, and it was so hard, there were days where i hated myself, where i didn't know how to live with myself--or with others. but it helped me accept who i am and how i work a little better.

i became more tolerant towards others but especially towards myself. if i need a break, if a conversation takes too much of my energy, if i can't handle the noise around me or if the environment is too harsh on me, i just accomodate myself instead of pushing myself further than i can handle. i put on my headphones and just apologize to the people around me if need be, i fidget with my beautiful fidget bracelet, i touch my hair to try to focus instead of dissociating because i can't accept to take a break or accept i'm not cut for those things and wonder what's wrong with me...

this nurse asked me whether or not i wanted to get tested for a few things by a neuropsychologist a few months ago and i eagerly said yes. i was dying to know what my problem was, what was so wrong with me that no one truly liked me, that people just got tired of me. it took weeks to get a first appointment where she--the neuropsychologist--asked me about my life and my traumas (which, again, i can talk about shamelessly, so that appointment was easy), and a few weeks after that, i left for malta. i had my first appointment with the nurse (since i came back from malta on the 30th of august) a few days ago and she told me the neuropsychologist would be in contact with me so we could begin with the tests.

i'm so scared to have looked into things too much and having found out too much about neurodivergence, and i'm scared to somehow fail the test if that makes sense? ever since going to therapy and also talking with a great friend of mine who's autistic, my research on it just brought me closer and closer to figuring out what my "problem" was, and i finally had someone to talk to about it other than professionals.

(special note)

        Milo if you see this, you were the only person there for me while i was abroad. maybe not actively because you have a life too, but every time something upset me and i had a mental breakdown and felt crazy for being so sensitive over something i KNEW was nothing to others, you understood me and reassured me, said you were the same, said you could relate, said i wasn't crazy, that my feelings were valid, but overall you understood. i am so so grateful for the support you've shown me this summer. you were the ONLY person i could feel human with. i didn't feel like i was too much or not enough, and i've never felt excluded or like an alien with you. sure, we only met once irl LOL, and i was really burnt out so it didn't go great, but i remember not feeling ashamed at all for being quiet and exhausted. you made me feel normal, you didn't make me feel like being quiet was a crime, like putting up a performance (smiling a lot and forcing conversation) was more important than how i felt, like pretending i wasn't overwhelmed was mandatory. i don't remember feeling this free or safe with anyone else other than myself, alone in my room. you became my comfort person whether you were aware of it or not during those 3 months, and i know i spam you a lot with voice messages, but this summer was different. i desperately needed someone to understand me, to see me and hear me, and you did without really trying. i know you yearn to know what people think of you in detail (which i heavily relate to!!) so here is what i think of you: you are as kind as they come, and you deserve the world. you're one of the most patient people i know, which i really admire. i'm so thankful for the way you've been there for me, again, whether you were aware of it or not, it doesn't matter. i wouldn't have been able to go through those 3 months without you and your reassurance. learning to accept myself and this newfound way to exist was easier thanks to you. thank you for being you. i'm so happy to have stumble upon your account randomly in 2019. happy birthday pretty<3

i have been longing my whole life to be understood by someone. being misunderstood is the worst feeling in the world, and it happens so often with everyone in my life that it become both a habit and my worst nightmare. and it often feels like people don't even misunderstand me, they just ask me a question and do what they want regardless of my answer, like my answer doesn't matter enough, like i'm too stupid to make my own decisions, like i'm a fucking child. i'm an independant person, i'm good with money and chores, i'm responsible, i'm all those good adult things yk? it feels like i just go unheard. no one really listens, they don't care about what i have to say about my own thoughts and feelings, they think they know better than i do, they interpret it to their liking. it feels infantilizing and dehumanizing. i wish i could just find someone i was 100% compatible with, someone i wouldnt have to explain the insides of my brain to because it's so hard to put words on it, someone who wouldn't push my limits until i break, someone who would respect my space and my things, someone who would know me enough not to say something hurtful without realizing it, someone who would know why i react the way i do to various different things without having to explain what upset me because they'd just get it, someone who would know me enough not to disrespect me without even caring enough to notice it. i want to be known inside and out, and i want to be understood to my very core, but i can't help but think i will never find that. even worse, i think if someone did know me inside and out, they probably wouldn't like me all that much, which was a little heartbreaking to realize. it feels like human connection is out of my reach, most of the time, like everyone seems to find peers they're compatible with and i'm just alone in the corner watching and waiting for it to happen to me, except it never does. people don't appoach me, and when they do i often regret letting them. i don't think i'm cut out for this, i feel like i've been made with a different fabri than everyone else. i'm not fit for friendships or relationships in general, because i do everything to make it work and it just never does. i love being alone, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, i feel so alone i wonder what i'm doing here. i wonder what i'm doing so wrong that i don't get invited to things even when i thought i did everything right. i obsess over it, i try to become better, to accept and tolerate more from everyone around me, to be more patient and considerate, but nothing ever works.

Milo is the closest thing i have to what i described above. i don't think anyone else really fits that description, and i'm not sure anyone ever will, which is something i've learned to accept this past year (funnily enough, this inner turmoil started when my "therapist" (nurse*) told me maybe i was the reason people left, because i expected too much from them and they couldn't stand the pressure. i was shocked to be told this but chose to reflect rather than take it personally, and here i am now. accepting i might never form any sort of real relationship ever T-T)

anyways, tests are coming up, and i'm terrified everyone might have been wrong about me and what i have, including myself. i'm scared i might not have anything at all, that everything that's wrong with me is just...me. nothing neuroscientific to explain it, no mental disability or disorder, i'm just insufferable and unlikeable.

so let's all cross our fingers and toes for me please!! i need to be diagnozed with whatever the hell i have, otherwise i'll go insane<3

hair talk

 talk might be too big of a word for this, but i'm so happy

i have no idea what exactly was the cause, but back when i was 15 and all the years before that, i had beautiful curly hair. i had anemia at 14, then covid hit, my hair completely lost its identity, it was a mix of curls with no volume but it was very thick, and after that i went to uni where i had a couple months where i wouldn't eat (sometimes on purpose sometimes not) and when i did eat it was some BULLSHIT that was NOT healthy like chips, radish, and soda.

i had anemia again writing liquid gold until like last year, and after that i was depressed for months LOL soooo i have no idea what impacted my hair, but i came back home from malta on sunday 30th (august 2026) and was determined to chop all my hair off. i had long hair, i'd cut it already during my stay in malta but only a little, so they were mid-back length.

i cut (or well my gramma did) it to shoulder length, AND MY CURLS ARE BACKKK!!!!!

guys you don't even get it. i've been sad and complaining about my curls disappearing for YEARS since they became a weird mix of curly on the nape, wavy and but mostly straight hair that i hated. i hated my hair so much and i tried everything to bring my curls back but it never worked.

so when my gramma cut my hair (and she cut more than i thought she would but i'm happy she did) and i saw the CURLS???? i went to her and jumped around

IM BACKKK OMGG